God Whistles in the Dark

Once upon a time, an alarm sounded in Yuma, Arizona. There were probably many alarms before that one, but I chose to ignore them. This one was quite literally an alarm clock. It was 5:00AM, a time of day that I would rather not be awakened. But the workday was looming, and I had to muster up the energy to work yet another monotonous day. Tuesdays and Thursdays were the days I had to be in early at the plant in Mexico. Needless to say, I hated Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It was 1998. Barely a year had passed since finishing graduate school, but I knew I was miserable in my line of work. All of that schooling for what? A life I already found terribly uninteresting?

As was typical, the alarm would blare and my body would not respond. A minute would pass before I could get my brain to communicate with my arm to somehow start the frantic search for the snooze button. On this particular day, a Garth Brooks song was playing.

You move me, he croned, You give me courage I didn't know I had.

For whatever reason, the song grated on my nerves. It irritated me. The melody and lyrics were at the same time captivating and annoying.

And so it was for some time for many Tuesdays and Thursdays. The country station was operating on a track, and Brooks was my wake up call.

This is how love was to me. I could look and not see. Going through the emotions. Not knowing what they mean.

What the hell was he talking about? And why did it irritate me so?

You move me, he taunted, You get me dancing and you make me sing.

It made me sad. The song made absolutely no sense in some ways, and yet the words clung to my soul. The melody made me long for something I did not have. Soon thereafter, life moved on. The station changed its playlist, and life for me continued to move forward.

Fast forward. It is now 2006. Trying to make a success of myself in a field I did not enjoy turned into attempting to find my source of happiness in my marriage and children which turned into continued and increased alcohol consumption which turned into full blown alcoholism. A botched attempt at rehab in 2004 pushed me into the pits of hell, so by 2006, I felt a despair and hopelessness so bleak that I thought I might die. Or worse, continue to have to live in this black hole of endless pain and misery.

By the grace of God, my life was saved in the recovery process. Almost immediately, things changed. Amazing, beautiful spiritual things happened that I can only credit God for. Life began to blossom and bloom. Hope began to reside in my heart, and it was then that those Garth Brooks lyrics came tumbling back into my conscience. The most mysterious part of the song for me was the bridge:

You go whistling in the dark, making light of it, making light of it. And I follow with my heart. Laughing all the way.

Who, I thought, goes whistling in the dark? This was not a song about your typical love relationship.

It was not until this time that I came to know this God who whistles in the dark. In fact, I now know this God who wants to use me as a melodious note in his whistle. We have this God who laughs in the face of darkness, and says, "You know what? I have everything taken care of. Just depend on me, and I will transform you in my likeness. You, too, can whistle in the darkest moment and bring light to it! You, too, will find your eternal laughter!"

This is not to say that the past four years have been easy. Recovery led to seminary which led to a call to full time ministry which led to a diagnosis of fibromyalgia....and a complete year of being bedridden. Once again I was put in a place that was incredibly dark. But this time, even though some days were again very, very difficult, even though some days I wrestled with God in anger, even though some days I thought I would never make it through, I knew God was lamenting with me. He whistled songs of hope and songs of his amazing grace. He whistled heartfelt songs of grief. He told me that one day there would only be laughter.

It is now, powered on this amazing grace, that I begin this new journey and this new blog. My husband and I will be preparing to move overseas to France in August. We will be studying the French language for a year. What is in store for us during and after that is all in God's hands.

I invite you to join me on this journey...this journey that will explore preparation in a new country with our children, ages 4 and 7. A journey that will explore questions that arise in my faith as we venture into this new opportunity. A journey that will deal with issues of one trying to balance family, life and chronic illness. A journey that will explore what ministry will look like for me and for my family. Above all, this will be a journey of courage and of faith. This will be a journey where I begin to grapple with how God works mysteriously in pockets of darkness. I hope to truly begin to embody a God who whistles in the dark and equip others to see and act upon the movement of the Spirit.