Shifting Emotions

I feel like we are slowly getting into the groove of life here in Massy.  There is now a consistency in our schedules.  We are still swinging around emotionally, but it feels like things are stabilizing a bit.  Or at least becoming what is a "new normal."  There are times in our lives when we feel like we understand God and his purposes for us, and there are times when these purposes are not so clear.  I have to continue to operate under the piece of scripture God spoke into my life many years ago when a relationship with Him was so new to me, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans for hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)  The Prahls from Shepherd of the Sierra (our home church) sent this scripture in a card to us this week.  It was timely. 

Sometimes when we've been moving along full speed for awhile, we are suddenly jolted into a new reality and tend to question these "plans He has for us."  I have to go back to the beginning.  I have to go back to simplicity.  As I write this, I am crying, so obviously the emotions haven't stablized as much as I had thought.  I don't know if this blog post will make much sense, but I want to keep writing about our journey even though I cannot make much sense of it right now.  I find myself not wanting to write because I cannot put into words what is going on here, but not writing about it is to stifle this creativity inside of me.  I think it is my only outlet right now.  While I hestitate to write a blog post all about my longings, please know that everyday I am grateful that God has given me many incredible gifts: my family, my health, my sobriety and a desire to always put Him first and to listen carefully for His whispers.  I am always grateful, and He is always so good and faithful.

A friend of my mine told me that I am mourning right now, and I think she is right.  The past nine months of my life moved so rapidly, and we gave away so many things that we loved.  I have wanted to believe that I mourned during that process, but I don't think I had the time to truly process.  We gave away most of our material possessions and moved into a place that is vastly different, a place that is older and in need of many repairs and updating.  A place with outdated furnishings and cracked tiles.  A place with peeling paint and wallpaper.  A place where we are not supposed to put nails in the wall for decor or pictures.  It does not feel like a home to me.  It is a transition place, a place it would be foolish to invest in.  Or rather, perhaps I need to focus more on different types of things to invest in. Funny how that brings to mind a rather interesting teaching of Jesus.  It kind of reminds me of where we are right now emotionally: in need of renovation.  Oh, how I pray for renovation of our hearts!

Before we left, we gave away two beloved dogs, animals who are probably much happier not having made the trek halfway across the world.  Nevertheless, they were loved and had brought much joy into our lives.  I miss them.  May you appreciate the gifts of love that the Father gave us in the wonders of His creation!

I miss California.  I miss its beauty and diversity and even its sounds and smells.  If you are there, may you it appreciate it!  May you see its beauty anew! 

I miss the freedom afforded by fluent language knowledge.  Every day is an adventure learning a language, but somedays are impossibly difficult as I long to make social contacts as I pick up the kids from school.  I have gotten to know many of the missionary families that are here.  I just long to make small talk (incredible coming from introverted me!) outside the school gates with the other French familes, to share a laugh, to mingle with another's soul deep down.  May you reach out to families in your community who struggle with English.  May you seek them out knowing that they probably are lonely and embarassed about their language acquisition.  May you seek them out because they are feeling alienated by a strange new culture.  May you know that their silence to your questions is not because of their lack of their desire to speak to you; but rather, quite possibly, an inability to express their deepest desires and concerns.   Oh, how I wish I had done more of this!

I miss seminary.  I am in a program at Fuller Seminary called the Global Leadership Program.  In it, I have taken a series of classes with a cohort of students from around the world.  We met last year in Pasadena for an intensive two week seminar, have completed many classes online together and they are meeting again next week for the final intensive two weeks in Pasadena.  Originally, I thought I would be able to complete this final course with them and fly back, but it is not going to work out.  I don't think it would be wise (and have felt the Lord's confirmation on this) to go home right now given our current situation/adjustment.  I will miss them and will miss seeing them again.  I pray the transition into a new cohort next year will go smoothly.  In any case, I miss the theological interaction and thinking.  I miss the people.  I will miss seeing where God has taken them in their journey over the past year and a half.  May He bless them all richly! 

I am so excited to see where God takes us on this adventure.  We have spoken in the last week to the school in Morocco as they are interested in Bryan's administrative gifts and perhaps using me in a member care/spirtual direction role.  I think we will be flying there sometime over the Christmas holidays to explore things further.  In the meantime, I will leave that in God's hands. 

May His peace and love surround you at all times.