Life

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.  To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna.  I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.
Revelation 2:17

Last February, I attended a retreat with several friends at a beautiful piece of property in Northern California.  The person hosting the retreat had a gorgeous home set on many acres of wooded property.  Much of the morning was spent in communal silence where the participants were encouraged to do whatever they wanted: stay inside, sit outside or wander the property.  I stumbled across my journal entry that I made during that silent time, and I am posting it mostly to reemphasize what I heard the Lord speaking to me personally while I still try to make sense of this journey He has us on.  I also had some thoughts about it.

2/27/10 Journal Entry
[imagine, if you will, sitting inside a home with a big stone fireplace, complete with roaring fire and huge windows looking towards a wooded backyard with a rushing creek moving through it]

I am sitting here looking out.  It is safe and warm.  It smells good.  It feels so good in this space!  The fire is inviting. 

[me speaking/praying] Why do you want me to go out in the cold and damp, Lord?  What's out there?

[Jesus speaking] New life.

[me] But my shoes will get muddy.  It's going to get messy.

[Jesus] That's the way it is--kingdom work is like that.  Relax here and then step out.  You have overcome, Jen. (Rev 2:17)  I will see that you continue to overcome.  There is hidden manna for you.  You are beginning to see the wonders of the bread I provide--there is even more.  Even more.  More.  Satisfaction beyond your wildest dreams.

[me] It feels so good here...right in this spot.

[Jesus] But Jen, in this case, stepping out will energize you.  Look for the hidden manna.

I got up and went outside.  I felt I was to follow what the Spirit told me.  First, I had fun on a big tree tire swing.  I played.  I put my head back and looked at the sky.  Then, I felt like I was to "dig in."  I followed the "source" of the creek as far as I could go.  I walked for awhile up a big hill and turned around--a dead end in which I got muddier.

Wandering downhill, I happened upon a chicken coop.  I giggled as the male rooster tried to mount the female in springtime procreation fashion. (she was having none of it, by the way)  I followed them around for a bit until I focused on the pig eating slop.  In the absolute shittiest place, I found the "manna" in the slop.  (visions of the Prodigal son also came to mind)  I talked to the pig awhile.  He snorted and ate.  I interacted with him.  I physically touched him.  I found the place where ministry sometimes leads.  It is not pretty...it's a dirty job.  I got incredibly dirty.  And there was no one around to give me glory...no one really cared.  In the midst of that, I realized how much I needed God.

Then, He brought me back to the home, to the starting point to "recharge, think, process." 

[Jesus] Your ministry is about healthy movement--you need to know when to go and when to stay.  You need to know when to wade in the muck and mire and when doing too much of it will cause unnecessary stress and fatigue.  I've prepared you for the start.  You will be fed and know how to feed others through me.  You must stay centered on me to keep moving forward.  I will protect you.  I will watch over your family.  Your legacy will live on, Jen.  You have nothing to fear.  Do not be afraid.  You have nothing to fear. 

I have great plans for your family.  Marvelous plans, hope and a future.  But right now...rest in me. 

Commentary

I was really thinking about the line that captivated me today (11/3/10) when I read this, the one that said "I walked up a hill and turned around...a dead end in which I got muddier."  At this moment, my life does not make sense.  I often think that we may return to the U.S. when this year is over, and I struggle to make sense of what may be a "dead end," a place where I just get "muddier."  This does not follow the traditional missionary pattern, or human resources pattern, for that matter, of "development."  My mind does not compute.  Following Jesus, listening to the Holy Spirit, is challenging at times because there is often no linear sequential pattern.  There is nothing to grasp onto but Him, and I will be the first to admit that this can be stress provoking when our lives, our identities, our everything is "up for grabs."  And to think that to get to where He wants us may make us "muddier" first...well, that is a profundity that perplexes me. 

Finally, one of the other things I noticed is that I used profanity.  I rarely speak or write that way anymore.  (One of the miraculous signs of God's purification of my life....seriously)  Nevertheless, I think it was used because I was trying to convey the complete ugliness of the pig's squalor.  Jesus came to touch the most horrible places.  He wants to provide freedom in the most desperate situations, and he wants to use us if we will let him.  Will we wade through the "shit" to help him free others, or will we bristle at what seems profane and separate ourselves from those who need to see Jesus' light reflected from our lives?